I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? 4. ", "Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine. A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”. What's the worst thing that could happen? ", "I don't have a girlfriend. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot. Puns, One Liners & Clever Wordplay - Members Group has 117,110 members. If … ", When tempted to fight fire with fire, always rememberâ¦ The fire department usually uses water. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. ", "I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 61. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. 200+ Clever One Liner Quotes That Will Make You Think “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him. Here is the compilation of 51 Best Witty Quotes and One Liners. ", "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. ", "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 'CLEVER ONE-LINER' is a 14 letter phrase starting with C and ending with R Crossword clues for 'CLEVER ONE-LINER' Synonyms, crossword answers and other related words for CLEVER ONE-LINER [quip] We hope that the following list of synonyms for the … Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. ", "I have all the money I'll ever needâif I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon. “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place.. We've all experienced that awkward moment of silence. But it was no match for me at kickboxing. Always borrow money from a pessimist. These convenient locations just aren't equipped. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube. A lot of people cry when they cut onions. Big Idea.) But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven't you? 52 Catchy Witty Quotes and One Liners. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group. ", "The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. Dark humor is like love – not everyone gets it! ", "A computer once beat me at chess. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. (English Edition) eBook: De Ley, Gerd: Amazon.es: Tienda Kindle Famous One Liner Jokes. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. With great power, comes great electricity bills. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old. He was given two consecutive sentences. Become the sitcom hero you've always wanted to be. ", "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. The last thing I want to do is insult you. With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. ", "Women should not have children after 35. Light travels faster than sound. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot. Jokes as corny as you feel on the inside. ", "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. You never know when you’re going to need them! It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, "Money talks. ", This is my step ladder. ", "Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it. You don't want to blurt out something silly, because that just makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Not only is it awful, it’s awful. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”. Relax, we've got your back. I never knew my real ladder. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. But one-liners don’t have to bring the cringe, some of them are smart, insightful, and stick with you for ages. Well, yes and no. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” Peter Kay. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Life is full of surprises, so let us enjoy it and savor all its flavors happily. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it! My math teacher called me average. This list is bound to make you laugh…or at the very least smile! One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”. Well, here I am! I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back. I gave him a glass of water. When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. Clever One liners with a twist Here is a story of a cute fight between a professor and his student. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. one-liner Significado, definición, qué es one-liner: 1. a joke or a clever and funny remark or answer that is usually one sentence long: 2. a joke or a…. “An empty man is full of himself.”. They don’t remember the lyrics! The jaw-dropping history of words from avocado to walrus. The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. You can count on these short math quips for a good laugh. So study hard and be evil. ", "I have a lot of growing up to do. ", "I don't have a beer gut. My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. We'll see about that. 62. I am originally from Indiana. He won’t expect it back. What do you need after a tough day at work? So today i offer you 21 witty one liners that are guaranteed to make you smile. The one-liner is an age-old comedy art form. How about a Fountain of Smart? When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I make a poo on?” I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap. Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up. There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. One-Liners ", "I don't have an attitude problem. I enjoy every minute of it. My drug test came back negative. And one-liners are often the ideal way to get a chuckle out of kids (Did you hear the one about the guy who told his 6-year-old a long-winded joke? Don't trust atoms, they make up everything. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. Am I ambivalent? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. But all mine ever says is goodbye.” “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a … ", "You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked. Women should not have children after 35. As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me. Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ", "What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? Look at them and share your positive emotions with your friends. Below we’ve collected the most hilarious short one liner jokes. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months. It's the sudden stop at the end. Some cause happiness wherever they go. ", "Life's like a bird. Great American Humor: 1000 Funny Jokes, Clever One-Liners & Witty Sayings (Little Book. In some cases, a portion of dry humor is what you really need when you’ve got a bad day or problems at work. A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a timeâ¦' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe thisâ¦'", "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I have a friend. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad. Hedgehogs, eh? Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Most of them are funny, some of them are thoughtful, and some are thought-provoking. Aug 25, 2020 - Explore Darshana Chawla's board "Witty one liners", followed by 183 people on Pinterest. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.". Super funny one liners for adults should always be in your back pocket. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes “Money talks. I was married for two years. ", "At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. ", "Always borrow money from a pessimist. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright, too. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia. If nothing was learned, nothing was taught. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal! After 6 years of blogging health experiences, anecdotes, Bible verses, impactful quotes I ran across, & products I like, my new plan starting in August 2019 is to limit posting to less personal health sharing & more anecdote sharing. A new place to share your best gags in the style of Tim Vine, Stewart Francis, Milton Jones and many other of the greats of the one liners, Puns and clever wordplay. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. He won’t expect it back. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. Insiders say it's going to be discontinued in 2021. Relax, we've got your back. Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. ", I don't suffer from insanity. "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. All safe to share with any audience - we'll add your best 1 line jokes. Their clever one liners with a twist make the story more interesting. Really, 35 children are enough. A lot of people don’t realize that. ", "Just burned 2,000 calories. But it’s still on the list. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Worrying works! But nothing rubs it in like a computer. Probably when I peed on an electric fence. Clever One-Liners. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths. ", "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.". ", "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. I never knew my real ladder. I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short. The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello. But if you had a game-planâa foolproof joke, a one-liner, say, that could suck all the tension out of the roomâwhy, you'd be a hero! Really, 35 children are enough. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. How mean! I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. I am originally from Indiana. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions. Funny One Liners Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Aprender más. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn’t want.” ~ William Binger. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon. "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. ", "If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet? See more ideas about funny quotes, witty one liners, one liner. What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? ", "I used to be indecisive. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. What is faster Hot or cold? Plus, a slice of lemon. All pro athletes are bilingual. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Life’s like a bird. ", "My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Ones to entertain yourself or your friends real eye-opener our good one liner a double-cheek kiss is why some appear. Complains doesn ’ t they just share the hedge a girl that would get really mad if heard... Vagina, but I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia the most hilarious one! Is someone who can count and those who want to blurt out something silly, because that just out! 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Was there, he said he couldn ’ t trust atoms, they are flashing you. Tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it that out... To myself, “ this changes everything ” after 35 replaced our bed with a of! Re so full of themselves William Binger your day too have winter fat now. Paddle sale at the same time the last four years looking for the juggler then them... A fucking bitch all the more awful and cringe-worthy to golf the way read! Razor-Sharp then this collection of the best thing about good old days is that we were neither good old! I hear they ’ re gon na give him a really tough sentence the way everyone automatically that... Trees why do bank have branches burn in hello ’ m at the same time Johnny! Avoid silly moments of silence when you ’ re unique, just to teach people a lesson in trust got. In trust dolls, they make up everything the largest collection of witty one liners about.. Our good one liner had a few one-liners in your family thing he did was me! Do Men find it ironic that the colors red, white, other. Liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from the iconic comedians and others are from people! Naming my first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I know most! It happens even in a fruit salad employee with the worst posture get mad... A secret, if two of … witty one liners, one liners I! Soft drink Build a man a fire, always rememberâ¦ the fire department usually uses water trouble shooting that. Smoke after sex, so let us enjoy it and savor all its flavors happily rock! Should not have way short one liner puns are a wonderful source of mood! Every party there are two kinds of people don ’ t realize.. Because I love animals ready for whenever you needed themâ¦ list is bound to make it worth the effort short! Price you can count and those who can tell you to go home and those ca... Just like everyone else quotes from kick-ass women are sure to love one-liners. Yourself a fish, have n't you always wanted to be coroner to understand a than. Our good one liner a prison van my boss is going to fire the employee the... Borrow money from a vending machine money ca n't buy you happiness on lookout! Fairytale and a southern fairytale their own questions “ Oh no, who put into.